I love you Dad

 Ray is dead

I waited a long time for him to reach out to me, even though I was aware that I could reach out to him. I told myself that “he's the parent, it's his responsibility to initiate”. I know it was largely an excuse, so I wouldn't need to make the effort to start an awkward situation. But maybe I was also right, I don't know. I don't know if it matters figuring out who was right. I do know that figuring out if it matters, doesn't matter right now. 

My dad wasn't very good at being a dad to me. He tried to build a relationship when I was teenager and young adult. At that time I was a little too full of hate and it was hard for him. THe hate wasn't for or about him, it was at the whole world at the time. I don’t know if he ever knew that. By the time I was old enough to have a handle on my hate, we were strangers. 

I feel like I need to clear up some of the feelings around the phrase “good at being a dad”. 

Ray had some demons. They lashed at him a lot during life. I feel like a lot of his effort was used up just trying to keep those at bay. He’d miss birthdays and appointments, but you had to just know, that wasn't about you, it was about him. He had a humongous heart. That was undeniable, and if you were ever witness to him in a situation where he could show you, it was undeniable. If you ever saw him with his pets, where he could just be open, he’d relish in times where he could just dump his affections. I remember one day when he was at our house, where our grouchy old cat jumped on his lap. The absolute joy on dad's face while he pet her trying to prove he could last longer giving pets, than she could last taking them. I don't know who won, as teenage me got bored and left the room. 

When his demons were quiet that's who he was. Just someone who wanted to love. 

I remember one time while hanging in the bar, a fight broke out between people he knew. Quickly and with an ease that should have been impossible for anyone as far into the bottle as we were that night. It was like he just appeared right beside them. I don't know what he said, but in what seemed like no time, he was back at our table explaining to me how it was just a squabble, and no need to think anything important about either person involved. I remember feeling some of that teen arrogance, as i thought “duh ,dad, I'm like 19 I don't know why you think I need to hear this”. But it seemed it was important to him to tell me. 

We spent hours upon hours together in Shawnessy. I don't know that we ever talked much, but I remember it almost always felt effortless, as if nothing in the world mattered and the things that did, couldn't find us there.

It didn't take too much of my adult life, and I quickly understood that missed appointments, birthdays, and such were not out of malice to me. In fact I’m now pretty convinced he didn't have any malice in him. The few times I saw anger, it was always out of trying to hide having his feelings hurt. 

When I understood his acts weren’t  out of malice, but usually due to him losing one or more battles with one or more of his demons, I also saw something else. He had an amazing ability to make people love him. 

He wasn't good at a lot of things in life. The things he was good at and the things he was bad at seemed to be uniquely complimentary. He could sus-out a business opportunity and turn having absolutely nothing into a thriving company in a matter of months. He could also crash and burn, and be without anything within a week. But even at his lowest, he had that ability to make you love him, and he had friends that went way above and beyond to go help put him back together. 

I think some of his demons are related to how others perceive him. But when I grew some of his same demons, I knew from watching him, that real friends know your demons and still love you, so I never had to fight them as hard. So when I finally came out to myself, I never had the burden of trying to hide it. My dad had slain that particular demon for me. 

I remember one day as a teenager for some reason dad and I were standing in my dining room. Dad said to me “ I don't know if this will do anything or if this is what you need, but I love you kid” I remember staring at the stupid braided rope pattern on his stupid cowboy shirt, thinking “I don't know why he always has to make things awkward" as he hugged me. 

But he did know, he knew that's something a dad needs to do. Something a son needs to hear. That someday I would need to know that particular moment, happened. Today. 

So that after all these years of putting things off, now that we're out of time, I Do Know, Dad, and I love you too!