The adhd meds didnt change me, they simply allow me to conceptualize that the next moment will happen and the previous one did. They also gave me a bit of a buffer between any stimuli and response so I can make an executive choice on my response.
It's funny to me now when I read all these hippy posts about trying to live in the moment. As someone who wasn't diagnosed and treated until my mid 30’s I can tell you that “living in the now” isn't a good idea for anyone who understands that humans need social interactions and society to survive.
Living in the now is not conducive to healthy relationships. Someone briefly blocking your view of whatever, and you respond “I hope everything you love dies slowly screaming in your arms”, and then in the same breath, “oh could you pass me a drink?”. The other person not living in the now, is still trying to process your words, and figure out what they possibly could have done to elicit such a response, and carrying with them the emotions (that you very much wanted them to to feel a fraction of a second before); Well lets just say they aren't feeling very charitable to do you the favor of passing you a drink. And now you're upset at what an ass they are because you're still thirsty and, being unable to really conceptualize time, its been an eternity that your body has been screaming out in thirst. And all during the eons you've dehydrated and parched as sand fills your mouth and throat, your “friend” is droning on about “rude words” and how “insensitive” you are. Insensitive? INSENSITIVE? IN-fuckin-SENSITIVE? I’m insensitive? While you're literally denying a dying man, life giving refreshment, because you’re so hung up on some feeling (that I very much wanted you to have decades ago now). I find a last drop in my cup, take a sip, and now that I've never been thirsty before, I can see that in your current mood, you'll not be a source of comfort for me. Your inability to get your emotions under control is not a problem I’m equipped to solve. I wonder if i should tell you this before I just leave and make space for someone who can help, Or just do the leaving part. I cant remember what i chose as im not there any more, i'm simply moving through a room wondering why its so hard to make friends.
It must be that i can't do small talk, I've read books trying to develop that skill, but they dont help. You see, because I don't really grasp the next moment will happen, the slightest bit of boredom small talk causes, is my forever existence while its happening. Galaxies are formed and die, all the while my brain is screaming for anything to break the monotony as a drowning mans body longs for air.
And you've caused this. For that I hope you develop that flesh eating disease inside your butt-hole, and then one morning while you're wiping away your morning crap, the paper brakes through the last barrier and all your intestines start to unravel out of you into the turd and piss filled water, and you would scream, but some tissue is still attached to your diaphragm and so you are unable to actually breath, and silently you flail about, hitting the flusher and your insides are pulled down harder as they are sucked out into the sewers. Your body isn't found for months as the disease devours whats left of our flesh. After months your landlord that you pay half of the wages you labor for, finally notices your relatively insignificant input in to their life and has someone check on you, there is no obituary, or tombstone as your entire existence, was so meaningless to others that your name is forgotten and so the person in charge of cleaning your ashes out of the furnace, marks the box, Elinor Rigby. Thinking to himself that even fictional forgotten person Rigby is more memorable than you were. … “what? Oh sorry , my name is scott…”...(damn why do i never remember names)... “How are you enjoying the party, Elinor…sorry I suck ant names….”
All of this happens as the cosmic dance of universes being born and falling to entropy happens again and again…. So No, Alanis Morissette, I did not think about my bills, my ex, my deadlines or when I think I'm going to die… I wish I could have distracted myself from this eternity with any of those pedestrian thoughts.
Now that I’m medicated I'm able to understand the next moment will probably happen, so as my mind experiences the heat death of several universes, I’m able to make the decision to simply ask you to pass a drink, and not even acknowledge that you blocked my sight for a brief second. Now I save the Flesh-eating-disease-wish, for people who do much more than say “umm” a couple of times while initiating small talk. You know, for people who say shit like “ADHD is just because you lack discipline” or “Jordan Peterson makes some valid points”. I save it for people that truly deserve to feel such things! lol
Eons still pass when I have nothing to entice my mind, it's just during those eons, I can now imagine a next second, and so I can choose to respond in a manner that will make that next moment suck a little less, rather than simply living in this moment. I still suck at names though, it's been forever since the other person said it. It's been decades for me and the only interaction we've had so far was you saying your name, so maybe it's understandable I don't remember it. We should tell each other our names at the end of the interactions, so we can tie it to something we've actually experienced, when I have some idea of how important or meaningless our interaction was, and can give your name some heft.
… what was I trying to say with this post again?
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