I don't feel shame for doing what a Uxe1 does when a Uxe1 is left alone.
Partially because shame relates to vicariously wearing someone else's closeted desire, and party because i like being a Uxe1, be that alone or otherwise.
If im going to be nakedly honest, i have to say i feel like ive lost a little bit of my ability to channel rage into a force in the world. As in the last few years following the loss of my father most of that precision rage has been replaced by an understanding and a feeling that isn't pity, but its pity adjacent. (like without the condescending undertone, its an understanding, mixed with a sorrow and if i was more invested in his life, it could be cutting, but the distance of our lives severs to now distance me from “owning” any memories of him in a vicarious way… i don't know if that makes sense, for your sake, reader, i hope that all sounds a bit nebulous.
I don't want to be telling stories outside of class, nor exposing secrets, (nor to actually expose the absolutely unscientific way i experience reality before i filter it down through the callus filter of my 5 senses and logic) but to adequate express what im feeling tonight its going to take a lot of nakedness. Don't worry, its only me who will be exposing myself, but in out puritan infected culture, another's nakedness can trigger your own shame. But take comfort, we both know you're not the one exposed, in fact its likely no one even knows you are reading this, and no one needs to know you did.
So as im going to take guilty pleasure in knowing this might be our secret moment alone. You get the even dirtier pleasure in knowing that only you know you are here with me. I am alone (like i mentioned earlier) and simply listening to some music with a guitar that can bend a note to an emotion. So we are even. I don't know who you are, and you can't know the sounds that are framing myself in our shared moment .
Anyways im trying to be better about including others in my understandings, but this isn't about you, its about me… well a part of me.
Throughout my life i've spent may moments alone with music just slightly louder than my ability to think, just being lost in the sound.
( dont get old and deaf because you reach a point where your thoughts will refuse to be out done. And at that point anytime you mange to calm your thoughts you'll be left with tinnitus.)
This isnt ADHD rambling… this is my ADHD rambling as a defence mechanism. I promise you'll be disappointed, because as naked as i feel, this is going t feel like stumbling on Quentin Tarantino's porn collection only to realise it just decades of the socks section of Sears catalogue.
Anyways, RAGE.
Its been my magic. Rage can overcome any emotion, which makes it handy when your brain neglects to produce seritones or any of the other “ happy chemicals” so the hardware of your body starts to advocate for a simple self shut down.
Rage wont let you do anything as clean as “opting out of life” rage wont let you give into another who wants to control you. RAGE Wont Let anyone or anything do anything to you. Rage demands the entire universe stops and responds to you at this moment.
So i love rage, shes kept me alive, shes driven me past moments where people or physics have wanted me dead.
And yes over 80% of my existence has been devoted to learning how to appease her. But id of died well over 80% of my life ago had she not been there to override the rest of me.
Im not not have i ever been an angry person.
Ask any one who knows me an im sure theyll be able to tell you about the one time they saw me mad, and somehow how that was an important moment. But ask a bit more and even those who decide to hate me, will admit that over 99.9% of the time they known of me its not that rage but probably either a “stupid” or “joyus” indifference to reality and only able to focus on finding humour in the moment. This of course requires that they are able to even remember times outside of when rage controlled me.
I don't want to sound like I'm violent, in fact I'm almost pathologically non-violent (another post someday may delve into that) . however I’ve been subjected to “reviews” and “in depth explorations” when rage has simply announced “No” from my mouth. Much more scrutiny that those who had landed kicks and punches on me before i was reduced to allowing Rage control of my mouth. She wanted control of my body too, but shes never yet needed that.
Ok enough back story
Recently i was alone and sad, and he sad started to set in deep, and so Rage noticed her cue and started to try and refine my experiences through her lens… and nothing.
Its not like i think i actually hated my dad, but him being gone, and i dont know i have the ability to actively hate anything.
I dont know if i could sent Rage to even cause someone a headache anymore let alone sending her to “allow” a house fire at their home.
I dont think shed be absent should someone try and jump me, but i know her just bathing amongst the yeasts isn't enough to prevent all others from even considering jumping me.
And all this leaves me feeling like i wish i could as my dad if rage ever demanded to be his girlfriend too, and if so, how he decided to live with her
-this is one of those “ i had no idea it was going there” type of things. Im only posting because i feel like there is something here ill want to revisit some time tin the future
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