Saturday, December 09, 2023

hay dad, meet my girlfriend, Rage

 

I don't feel shame for doing what a Uxe1 does when a Uxe1 is left alone.

Partially because shame relates to vicariously wearing someone else's closeted desire, and party because i like being a Uxe1, be that alone or otherwise.

 If im going to be nakedly honest, i have to say i feel like ive lost a little bit of my ability to channel rage into a force in the world. As in the last few years following the loss of my father most of that precision rage has been replaced by an understanding and a feeling that isn't pity, but its pity adjacent. (like without the condescending undertone, its an understanding, mixed with  a sorrow and if i was more invested in his life, it could be cutting, but the distance of our lives severs to now distance me from “owning” any memories of him in a vicarious way… i don't know if that makes sense, for your sake, reader, i hope that all sounds a bit nebulous. 

I don't want to be telling stories outside of class, nor exposing secrets, (nor to actually expose the absolutely unscientific way i experience reality before i filter it down through the callus filter of my 5 senses and logic) but to adequate express what im feeling tonight its going to take a lot of nakedness. Don't worry, its only me who will be exposing myself, but in out puritan infected culture, another's nakedness can trigger your own shame. But take comfort, we both know you're not the one exposed, in fact its likely no one even knows you are reading this, and no one needs to know you did. 

So as im going to take guilty pleasure in knowing this might be our secret moment alone. You get the even dirtier pleasure in knowing that only you know you are here with me. I am alone (like i mentioned earlier) and simply listening to some music with a guitar that can bend a note to an emotion. So we are even. I don't know who you are, and you can't know the sounds that are framing myself in our shared moment . 

Anyways im trying to be better about including others in my understandings, but this isn't about you, its about me… well a part of me.

Throughout my life i've spent may moments alone with music just slightly louder than my ability to think, just being lost in the sound.

( dont get old and deaf because you reach a point where your thoughts will refuse to be out done. And at that point anytime you mange to calm your thoughts you'll be left with tinnitus.)

This isnt ADHD rambling… this is my ADHD rambling as a defence mechanism. I promise you'll be disappointed, because as naked as i feel, this is going t feel like stumbling on Quentin Tarantino's porn collection only to realise it just decades of the socks section of Sears catalogue.

Anyways, RAGE. 

Its been my magic. Rage can overcome any emotion, which makes it handy when your brain neglects to produce seritones or any of the other “ happy chemicals” so the hardware of your body starts to advocate for a simple self shut down. 

Rage wont let you do anything as clean as “opting out of life” rage wont  let you give into another who wants to control you. RAGE Wont Let anyone or anything do anything to you. Rage demands the entire universe stops and responds to you at this moment. 

So i love rage, shes kept me alive, shes driven me past moments where people or physics have wanted me dead. 

And yes over 80% of my existence has been devoted to learning how to appease her. But id of died well over 80% of my life ago had she not been there to override the rest of me.

Im not not have i ever been an angry person. 

Ask any one who knows me an im sure theyll be able to tell you about the one time they saw me mad, and somehow how that was an important moment. But ask a bit more and even those who decide to hate me, will admit that over 99.9% of the time they known of me its not that rage but probably either a “stupid” or “joyus” indifference to reality and only able to focus on finding humour in the moment. This of course requires that they are able to even remember times outside of when rage controlled me.


I don't want to sound like I'm violent, in fact I'm almost pathologically non-violent (another post someday may delve into that) . however I’ve been subjected to “reviews” and “in depth explorations” when rage has simply announced “No” from my mouth. Much more scrutiny that those who had landed kicks and punches on me before i was reduced to allowing Rage control of my mouth. She wanted control of my body too, but shes never yet needed that.


Ok enough back story 

Recently i was alone and sad, and he sad started to set in deep, and so Rage noticed her cue and started to try and refine my experiences through her lens… and nothing. 

Its not like i think i actually hated my dad, but him being gone, and i dont know i have the ability to actively hate anything. 

I dont know if i could sent Rage to even cause someone a headache anymore let alone sending her to “allow” a house fire at their home. 

I dont think shed be absent should someone try and jump me, but i know her just bathing amongst the yeasts isn't enough to prevent all others from even considering jumping me. 

And all this leaves me feeling like i wish i could as my dad if rage ever demanded to be his girlfriend too, and if so, how he decided to live with her 

-this is one of those “ i had no idea it was going there” type of things. Im only posting because i feel like there is something here ill want to revisit some time tin the future 

also i feel like Rage got me talking about her rather than what i was going to say... strange

Monday, February 20, 2023

Some thoughts on ownership

 Well let's start with the easy ones. Ownership is it it's core the right to deny access to others. Our society is currently made up with the idea that the default is that everything is already owned. We never really consider that mabe ownership shouldn't be the natural state of the world. Yes we should have spheres and levels of what can be considered "owned". Like you should 100% own your body. Nobody should be allowed access without your permission. Then we have items that are for supporting and maintaining that body. We should have some basic right to exclude others (like your toothbrush, it seems inherent that I should be allowed to limit who can access and use that). But then we get a bit bigger and the idea of individual ownership seems absurd.

Like my home. Surely I should have the right to exclude strangers from entering into it. But should I be allowed to prevent my infant from coming inside? How about my partner? 

Like aside from situations of assult and safety, it seems absurd that I have ownership of my home above others who also use the space as their home. Our current laws start with ownership of the house and actually do very little to differentiate house from home. 

So it seems that one should have less ownership over their home than their body, and maybe even less than their toothbrush.

What about my garden, here's where a whole lot of other things come into play. My family garden to grow food to enter our bodies seems to have a lot of connection to toothbrush type things, but it's actual land and so has some resemblance to home type things. And that's before we get to the idea of what happens if that garden produces a surplus. Do I own that food that I can't or won't use? So that my right to exclude access includes letting it rot while others starve? 

Like maybe I shouldn't have to allow anyone to come into the garden and do as they please so that it'll prevent my crops from maturing and prevent me from collecting seeds to replant next season. But surely it's just plain wrong for me to let food rot rather than feeding someone starving on the other side of the fence. 

Also what if my gardening skills and system is grossly inadequate. Should I be allowed to deny my neighbor access to the soil when their growing techniques could produce enough for both families to eat and have surplus, and my techniques barley produce enough for my own families consumption. Surely my right to exclude others from that space should also incur some responsibility to all those others that I'm denying. 

If I own a large space if land. That simply means I have a right to exclude all others to that parcel of land. There are 8 billion other people who I'm saying can't use it. My personal wants is to make a golf course. For just me to use. But that land could provide food for some of those others who I am preventing from using it. Surely I have some basic obligations to those that have agreed to allow me exclusive control. 

Shouldn't my right to exclude some obligations as to what's done with it?

What I start to see is that the idea that ownership is part of an agreement starts to crumble. What starts to come through is that ownership is a result and function of force. I don't want to cede to Adam Smith here but, force does simplify the equation. 

Partly because we live in a world that has embraced many of Smith's ideas. But also because it means "agreement" is so much easier to reach when disagreements are settled with killing everyone who dissents until everyone alive agrees that staying alive is more personally important than continued disagreement. 

And that's the real burn for all Leftist ideas. As along as one person or group is willing to resort to force and killing, we will need to develop our own force to maintain any society. This is why "Communism within one nation" is flawed. We will need to use force as our ultimate decider with outsiders. And when that force exists, how do we possibly prevent its use on insiders as well? 

.... I noticed I'm off topic now... Sorry