i zombie (part one)

this isn't life. like ok, i'm not dead, my mom doesn't have to grieve and no one has to deal with remains, but i'm far from alive. any time i fill out profiles on singles sites, i post camping as one of my interests. but how the fuck would i know. i haven't gone in over 3 years. its been months since i've seen a family member. I had originally thought that when i moved i could web cam in for special family occasions, but it seems that after the first attempt that went bad because no one thought to tell me the day, that it has become to much of a hassle. My own grandmother sent me a letter informing me that it would be to much of a hassle to take a free flight out to see me. this isnt a pity party, i'm just pointing out that what i'm doing isn't living. my social interactions have eroded to the 2 or 3 people who click like on facebook statuses. I check that shit hourly in the vain hope that some how my life is still connected to this world.

I'm surviving off a part time job at minimum wage. cant go home because i have to pay for the hovel i live in. land lords dont give a shit if youre a student, you have to sign a year lease you know. Fuck tards any way. so i cant afford rent in 2 places.

ya part time work is awesome for the time off, if you enjoy sitting around broke all day waiting fro your shit evening hours where you spend a quarter of your shifts pay on microwave rice that you have to down in 15 minuets, less if you count the 2 minuets it takes to walk to the lunch room; and two minuets back.

i have some friends, but the problem with new friends is it costs money to do stuff. we don't know each other well enough to be ok with killing a day playing vids, or window shopping or even just heading to the park.

this isnt pity , its just the realization that nothing i do has any resemblance to having a life. Impoverished student is closer to being dead than alive, except you know the others having to go through the grieving thing. Im not offering the world happiness, all my existence is gaining for the planet is to stave off a negative emotion. preventing a negative is hardly a life.

if i could get some hours at work, just enough to get the bills covered and let me book a week off, id go hitchhiking, it doesn't cost any thing except the lost work time. and it would have to be more interesting than this living death. in the movies when some thing is dead but still walking around, we call them zombies, and they shoot em in the head.

ya thanx grannie your letter made me feel much better